I am a depressed agoraphobic - Agoraphobia - MedHelp

I am a depressed agoraphobic - Agoraphobia - MedHelp: "I am 20 years old and for the last 2 years I have been a concealed depressant. I have told no one, in or out of my familyBirth control and family planning
Choosing a primary care provider
Ewing’s sarcoma
Family troubles - resources, of my dailyDaily combo
Daily multiple for men 50+
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Daily multiple for women 50+
Daily multiple vitamins
Daily vite
Daily-vite men's formula
Daily-vite weight control thoughts of suicideSuicide and suicidal behavior nor of my intentions of suicideSuicide and suicidal behavior. I am rather good at not letting anyone know how I feel and pretending that I am completely fine. Since my freshman year of highschool I have been scared of social events and imbarassing or making myself look stupid in front of people. Rather than looking foolish in front of others I decided to hide myself away from the world and become my own best friend. I spent the entirety of my highschool days playing video games online in my parents basement, which made my only friends those in the online world. I went into college hoping for a better life but found myself seemingly unlikeable and undesirable to be around. I don't have any friends now and I can't remember the last time I left the house on a Friday night. I have spent the vast majority of my time concealed inside my own house playing video games, only now I have given up on the online friendships as well. I realize that there are people I could probably call and with some sympathy they would probably hang out with me. Afraid of when I am with people however I will often find myself thinking of not looking stupid and awkward, often leading me to panicPanic disorder
Panic disorder with agoraphobia and unable to carry a normalNormal saline flush conversation thus in term looking even more stupid. I have come up with about a half dozen ways to kill myself and nearly attempted over a dozen times, most of an unconvincing nature of success. I am absolutely positive I am going to kill myself but in fear of hurting my parents in a delicate time of their own I wait anxiously. I don't want to hear any sob stories about how their is so much to live for and that it is stupid to kill myself. I'm sorry I don't believe there is any possible way our souls are transported through magical gateways to heaven or hell set by rules from long told fairy tales. I have found myself in fear of life, begging for a soon coming quick and painless death. I do not fear death as I believe that my energy simply will become part of another energy. In a planet that is being overrun and consumed by my species, I don't think the stopping of consumption and the giving of my energy to another is stupid. The world would probably be a better place if a few hundred million of us were just dropped off of it. I am tired of people and I am tired most of my incompetence."